I tell people all the time that on September 27, 2019 (yes, I remember the exact date!), I was sitting with my Challenge Success team in a conference room on the Stanford Campus, and we were asked to share what we did for our version of Playtime, Downtime, and Family Time (PDF) — what brought us joy? 

I only half-listened to everyone on my team sharing because I was contemplating the entire time whether to lie and say something generic or tell the truth—that I don’t engage in any (or extremely limited) PDF in my own life. I was mortified and sad at the same time. I was the principal of an amazing school–a nationally ranked school full of beautiful, stressed-out, anxiety-ridden humans, but as their leader, I saw that I was also part of the problem. I knew as much as our school needed some healthy changes, I also had to lead by example. 

When I got back home I took to some pretty deep reflection and made some pretty drastic changes in my own life – changes that I could be proud of.  

I decided I needed to be less available at work and set some boundaries because I could not engage in PDF if I was always working. I used to wear it like a badge of honor that I was accessible 24 hours a day. That changed. 

I made appointments that benefited my own physical and mental health and treated them as I would a work meeting. Those meetings could not be changed, and it was okay to prioritize being healthy, working out, and being present for my family and friends. 

I prioritized eating foods that made me feel good. 

I eliminated friendships and projects outside of work that were not healthy.

I started taking a day off here and there. I had accumulated over 6 months of paid time off in my 8 years! 

By the time the pandemic hit in the spring of 2020, I had created a life I was so happy with and so proud of that not even a pandemic could get me down. I counted the pandemic as a blessing to focus even more on my family, my health and spending time doing meaningful PDF. 

During this time I had also started a book club for students on my campus to talk about a growth mindset and perfectionism. I spoke candidly with students about how even as an adult I still had to work on these things that were difficult for them too. I think it is important as adults that we share with students that we are not perfect and that taking care of ourselves is important too. 

Some times I have to be incredibly intentional about PDF, and other times it comes naturally. Through this re-focusing, I am a healthier leader with more realistic expectations and more empathy for both my faculty and students. I am walking the talk, and I am thankful that Challenge Success was able to show me that, as educators, we still have a lot to learn and that it is important to model the same healthy habits we want our students and families to use.

Dr. Amy Cislak first started working with Challenge Success in 2019 while she was the principal of nationally ranked University High School in Tucson, Arizona. She now leads one of the state’s top high schools, Tanque Verde High School where outstanding relationships, culture, and community are at the forefront of every decision.

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In an incredible stroke of luck, I landed my dream job right out of college: teaching preschool at Bing Nursery School, the renowned Laboratory Preschool for the Psychology Department at Stanford University.

Our work at Bing was embedded in the new field of developmental psychology, led by pioneers like Stanford’s Eleanor Maccoby and Albert Bandura. These forward-thinking psychologists studied young children as complex beings, capable of creative problem solving. Walter Mischel, PhD, developer of the famed marshmallow test, conducted his research at Bing in the late 1960s and early 1970s.

In a play-based setting, we early childhood educators emphasized development of the whole child, a multi-dimensional way of looking at a child’s mental, physical, social, and emotional development. Now we call it individualized curriculum, but I could identify a child just by a sock on the ground.

The Bing kids rolled down grassy green hills designed by a famous landscape architect, swung in wisteria-twined groves, and built elaborate structures in large sand areas with running water. It may have been child’s play, but the underlying educational tenets were profoundly serious.

In early childhood, much of a child’s work is about self-discovery. According to the famed Swiss child psychologist Jean Piaget, “Play is the work of childhood.” That is, a young child’s primary developmental task is to discover a sense of self through exploration or play.

But why do we assume that exploration of self somehow stops in early childhood? In many ways, a four-year-old is not so different from a 14-year-old. When do we stop giving kids permission to explore?

At Bing, we used to tell parents that taking risks is similar to the number of pebbles a child holds in his or her hand. If a child holds a handful of pebbles, she is more likely to “spend” her pebbles — to make a new friend, approach an adult for help, or try woodworking tools for the first time. She is free to use a few precious pebbles, knowing that she holds more in her hand.

On the other hand, if a child holds just one pebble in his hand, he is much more likely to protect that pebble, to close his hand, to shy away from taking risks. Unable to spend his single pebble, he will be less likely to join a new playgroup, raise his hand at big group time, or build a more complex block structure.

Today, many of our adolescents feel that they must approach life holding just one pebble in their hands.

Many are anxious, having internalized our culture’s limited notion of success perpetuated by peers, parents, and the community. They’re afraid to take risks, to try something new, to get a bad grade in life.

Their lives are circumscribed by what Rich Karlgaard, author of Late Bloomers: The Power of Patience in a World Obsessed with Early Achievement, calls “the conveyor belt to success.” This conveyor belts moves students along “a narrow path of success and starves them of opportunities for self-discovery.”

In our culture today, or so the prevailing attitude goes, it’s better to get on the conveyor belt early…and stay there. No room for the late bloomers, the dreamers, the drifters, the kids who love books but eschew extra-curricular activities, the artistic types who prefer clay over calculus.

Challenge Success, a nonprofit affiliated with Stanford’s Graduate School of Education, advocates for a broad definition of success, because, “After all, success is measured over the course of a lifetime, not at the end of a semester.”

For too many of our teens and young adults, this narrow definition of success — defined by grades, test scores, college admission, etc. — is limiting and soul-crushing.

How can a student talented in fine arts find her path when she is consuming a STEM diet of science, math, and technology? How can a budding creative writer discover his gift when he hears that medicine, law, or investment banking is the only ticket to success?

For my own daughter, locked into the high-level track at her Silicon Valley public high school, that meant only three electives over the course of her high school career. Starved for expression of her creativity (a life-long passion), she stuck it out through four years of French and AP Calculus but lived for the relief of Ceramics.

Art classes saved her, she tells me now, 10 years beyond her high school experience. Having an artistic practice allowed her to center herself in the morning (when Ceramics was first period), or de-stress at the end of the day (when Ceramics was last period). A sympathetic art teacher would let her stay late and even occasionally (don’t tell) skip part of her next block period.

In Silicon Valley, the pervasive mantra fail fast puts even more pressure on teens to determine the direction of their lives…and to do it quickly! In truth, no 18-year-old is equipped (nor should they be) to portend their future, to know in high school what major, passion, or career they should pursue.

We don’t rush a baby learning to roll over, or a toddler learning to stand. Why do we forget that every child and adolescent develops according to his or her own timetable?

Even the Magic 8 Ball offers up advice such as, “Reply hazy, try again,” “Cannot predict now” and “Ask again later.” Or my favorite, “Better not tell you now.” There were years when I ran my life based on the morning’s advice from the magic ball.

So, parents, be sure that your child always has a handful of pebbles. They need to be able to take risks, explore their options, learn who they are, mess up and try again. Practice makes perfect, and “fail fast” should never apply to children.

Let your kids step off the conveyor belt, if need be…another one will come along soon.

This article was first published on Medium.

Charlene Margot is the Founder and CEO of The Parent Venture and a current Board Member and former Board Chair of Challenge Success. She is a Palo Alto native, mom of two young adults, and a lifelong advocate of kids, schools, and families.

The post Make Sure Your Child Has a Handful of Pebbles appeared first on Challenge Success.

Early in my career, I have to confess that I used to bristle a bit upon hearing this question. After having usually spent at least an hour, and sometimes an entire day or more, discussing and exploring the kaleidoscopic complexity of the parent-child relationship with great depth and sophistication (at least from my perspective), how was I supposed to be able to condense everything that I had so earnestly conveyed into a simple tip or maxim — and not sound clichéd when doing so?

Eventually, though, I began to see the value in coming up with a thoughtful response. Few undertakings are as daunting, and as overwhelming, as parenthood. So who could blame well-intentioned, eager-to-learn participants from requesting one thought, one insight, one potentially family-changing idea that they could bring home with them to reflect upon, to share with a spouse or friend or child, or — if necessary — to simply forget about?

Once I reconciled myself to the legitimacy of this question, I chose to conscientiously comply. However, being the kind of individual who bores easily, I made a little promise to myself that I would work very hard to ensure that I never repeated myself — in other words, the personal challenge that I devoted myself to was that I would attempt to come up with something new each time I was asked.

Of course, over time, this promise became impossible to fulfill. But I certainly gave it the old college try, and endeavored to go at least months, if not years, before I circled back to an epigram that I had previously supplied. Recently, I decided to compile these, and it is from this collation that I have selected the thirty that I am sharing with you in this post.

While I have never really believed that parents need advice or suggestions, I do believe that they frequently benefit from support, perspective, and a certain normalizing companionship. I hope that one or more of these aphorisms offer these, and through so doing, deepen, soften, and illuminate your relationship with your child — and perhaps even with yourself.

1. Locate the part of yourself within which your expectations of your child reside. Spend some time there, just listening.
2. Children ask their parents to save them from what they fear, but parents make the same request of their children.
3. Children are more likely to change for the better if they know that they will be loved and accepted for staying the same.
4. Childhood should be a preparation for adulthood, not a production for adults. The child’s primary objective is to transform, not to perform.
5. We need to have more faith in our children than they have in themselves.
6. We are defined not by what we achieve and accomplish, but by what we have undergone and overcome.
7. Our main job as parents is to attract our child’s curiosity regarding why he does what he does and why he doesn’t do what he should
8. We parent best not on the basis that there is a problem to be solved but that there is a capacity for thinking and feeling to be developed
9. There is always a truth that hides within our own disturbing, unnerving feelings about our child, and it is a truth that deserves to be uncovered—which is best done by continuing to feel disturbed and unnerved.
10. Every child is calling out across the distance, hoping to be heard. The distance is generally greater than either of you think.
11. Take pleasure in what satisfies you about your child, but take interest in what doesn’t.
12. The mystery that inheres in our children — what we don’t and can’t understand about them — is their most meaningful gift to us, and what ultimately sustains us. Pity the parent who believes that he understands his child.
13. Don’t work to improve your child’s life — work to help her live it. She’ll take care of the rest.
14. The parent is responsible for laying out the possibility that, together, parent and child can co-author a story that changes both of them forever.
15. Now and then, give yourself a chance to completely abandon childrearing advice.
16. Don’t count on your child to relieve you of yourself.
17. We all fail at the idea of family — that we fail, and how we fail, can be our greatest triumph.
18. Let your child gather his sadness around him, like a cloak. Admire and revere the cloak, for it is warming him. But don’t touch the cloak.
19. It can be a great relief to know that you and your child are just like everyone else — aim to be ordinary.
20. Children show us the face that they want us to see but pray that they can’t completely hide the face that they need us to see.
21. Very little separates the pain of loss from the pleasure of possibility.
22. Whatever you are convinced is happening with or to your child, trust that something else is also going on.
23. Parents who try to be too democratic exert their own, unique form of oppression.
24. What kind of parent doesn’t wail once in a while? Or at least lock herself in the bathroom?
25. Raise children to be true to their own intentions, and hope and trust that at least some of their intentions will seem misguided to you and lead them astray — by your definition.
26. Don’t ever give up hope for your children, but don’t ever forget how liberating it would be if you released yourself from hope’s relentless burden.
27. More important than any other logic is the logic of your child’s imagination.
28. Not everything needs to be said. The unsayable can be precious, too.
29. Children want us to be proud of them and also to worry about them — our task is to convince them that we prize the former over the latter, while still acknowledging that the former will leave us lonelier than the latter.
30. Growth depends on experiencing love and love’s absence, and the capacity to fully fear both of them.

Dr. Brad Sachs is a Challenge Success Advisory Council member, and is a psychologist, educator, consultant, and best-selling author specializing in clinical work with children, adolescents, couples, and families. He is also the Founder and Director of The Father Center, a program designed to meet the needs of new, expectant, and experienced fathers. www.drbradsachs.com

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